I am the Chameleon Girl.

 ~Wrong~

Lyrics

First off, I'm sorry

I wish I could change history

I didn't expect you to like me back

I didn't expect things to take off so fast

It's not right when we're in the same room but I'm all alone

It's not right when we used to laugh but now the air feels cold

Yes, I know it's all my fault

I'll own up, I'll own up

But I'm telling you that when it feels like this it's wrong

I don't understand what I was thinking (clearly I wasn't)

How did I let things become so unkempt?

It felt nice when you had my back

Now I'm vulnerable, it happened so fast

It's not right when we're in the same room but I'm all alone

It's not right when we used to laugh but now the air feels cold

Yes, I know it's all my fault

I'll own up, I'll own up

But I'm telling you that when it feels like this it's wrong

Things shouldn't have gone this way

I'm so tired of my mistakes

I'm trying to get better in this way

I promise you're the last heart I'll break

I promise(x2)

It's not right when we're in the same room but I'm all alone

It's not right when we used to laugh but now the air feels cold

Yes, I know it's all my fault

I'll own up, I'll own up

But I'm telling you that when it feels like this it's wrong

This song returns to one of my biggest problems with boys. I just don't handle things right. At first, I when I think that I might like him, I do my investigating, talking and becoming closer. But then, every time so far, I reach the point where I've decided I want to back away. I've decided that I don't want to start a relationship with them, for whatever reason it may be. Backing away isn't one of my specialties, even though it's pretty much all I do anymore.

The most uncomfortable part is when they don't fade out of my life afterwards. I'm not the most social of people, so when I meet a guy it's someone that I go often, whether it be church, in class, or the dreaded failed work relationship.

I understand why a guy would be hurt after I back away because at first I give them all of the signs that I'm attracted to them, it just takes me some time to really process how I feel. I'm not good about people not liking me or being mad at me for any reason. Life would be so much easier if the loose ends were always tied up and everyone could move on at the same pace. But it rarely concludes in that way.

So, this song is the aftermath of one of my "relationships" that failed to ever launch. And that bone-chilling silence that follows.

No one ever said anything to me about it, though I feel that the change in our relationship was quite evident. "We used to laugh but now the air feels cold." He walks past me, staring straight ahead. Then there'll be times where we have an exchange that isn't too terribly icy, though they are far outweighed by the times we have less-than-ideal interactions.

I'm mostly stunned by how easy it was for him to fade out of my world, there are times when it still feels a bit weird or I'll feel a twinge of guilt for the mess that we left behind, but I'm really O.K.

I just don't know if he is...

I begin with the intentions of causing the least casualties as possible, though throughout the journey there are points where I lose sight of what I had planned and I seemingly disregard the possibility of a land mine.

I don't know if the relationship could have been reconciled after where it had been, now, it is certainly beyond repair. The way things were left off will always just seem wrong, even though I don't know what right would resemble.

Now, I even cringe when I sing the line "I promise you're the last heart I'll break." That wasn't truthful at all. I feel that it will be awhile before I can confidently claim that nothing like this will happen again. I'm behind the curve and trying desperately to catch up and learn as much as I can about people and the whole relationship thing. I'm only ever making mistakes in this area it seems. My first real experience in this area was a broken one and it really did shake my world. That might be why I'm stuck in this current cycle?

I'm trying to get out.

I am the Chameleon Girl.

These are my thoughts, my songs, and (perhaps) my stories.

~So, as of tonight, I am in a lyric sharing mood~

Might as well begin with the song that started the "movement" in my life.

I'm So Confused

[hoping we can all ignore the cringey intro I did for this song when I first shared it]

Lyrics

I don't always make sense, no
Not even to myself
You ask me if this is all on purpose
Baby, I wish I could tell

I'm not trying to confuse you
Guess I just take some getting used to

Please don't ask me to repeat myself
The words I say just might be something else

I'm so confused
What will I do?
Stop, go, oh I don't know...
Yes, no, maybe so...

I don't always add up
On paper or in my brain
And I'm pretty sure that if you did the math
You would think that I was insane

I'm not trying to confuse you
Guess I just take some getting used to

Please don't ask me to repeat myself
The words I say just might be something else

I'm so confused
What will I do?
Stop, go, oh I don't know...
Yes, no, maybe so...

I'm not trying to confuse you
Guess I just take some getting used to
Please don't ask me to repeat myself
The words I say just might be something else
I'm so confused (x3)

The highlighted line throughout the song is my favorite. I feel like I make bad first impressions, but even more than that, I feel that very few people truly know what I'm like because it takes me a long time to become truly comfortable around someone. I have my quirks and my sense of humor doesn't come across easily to everyone I meet so I worry that people think I am a bit odd or lame in our first interaction and then there's little you can do to change the way someone thinks of you after the first impression has settled into their mind, influencing the way they perceive you from then on.

I also feel that this song well indicates my romantic relationship skills. I find it difficult to tell if I truly have feelings for a guy until I know that he likes me. Once I know how they feel, I'm able to determine if I was just enchanted by the attention or if I feel for them as well. I don't try to lead anyone on, even though that's how it often ends up seeming. I'm just confused...and then once I know how I feel it becomes difficult to back out of the situation becomes I know that their heart is on the line and that's when I get myself into trouble.

My brother has told me on several occasions that many guys need an outright rejection (it sounds harsh but I'll embellish). Trying to be nice is what leads them to thinking you reciprocate their feelings and it's less painful to end it at the first chance you can take than to wait until they take the hint (which often doesn't seem to work well and things get messy).

The line "please don't ask me to repeat myself" refers more to one of the things that upsets me the most: not being heard. I've always been rather quiet around people that I don't know well so I'm used to being referred to as "the quiet girl" and then, when I actually do speak, I can be soft spoken and no one acknowledges what I've said. It absolutely tears me apart to not be heard because it takes a lot of courage and energy for me to speak sometimes and it all seems like a waste when what I've said is invalidated. I've gotten into the habit of shutting down when people ask me to repeat myself.

my mind says

"they weren't listening to you, they don't care what you have to say"

"it's not like what you were going to say had any value, so why bother repeating it"

"why do you even try to speak up? it's pathetic"

So I stop. I don't bother to repeat myself and people become annoyed with me (which I completely understand) but then I withdrawal even more because I feel bad that I've upset them and that I caused a situation that brought discomfort. It's easier to just say something, anything to keep the conversation moving sometimes, though I rarely actually say the same thing twice. I alter whatever I was going to say, usually in a way that brings the conversation to a halt. It's my escape hatch and it's become incredibly[painfully] convenient. I keep my original thoughts inside of myself, and even though I tear it apart internally, it's safer than releasing into the world to be torn apart by those around me.

But maybe this is what happens when you write up an article about a song you wrote a year ago in the late of night/early morning

Who knows